Why We’re Meaner Online: What the Trolley Dilemma and the Button Problem Teach Us About Internet Behavior
- Tiffany Bays
- Sep 26
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 26
Ever wondered why people type things online — in texts, emails, or on social media — that they’d never dare say to someone’s face? Psychology has an answer. From the trolley dilemma to an eerie Twilight Zone episode known as the “button problem,” we learn that distance makes morality abstract — and that explains a lot about our digital lives.
The Trolley Dilemma in Simple Terms
The trolley dilemma asks us to imagine a runaway train headed toward five people. You can pull a lever to divert it, but in doing so, you’ll sacrifice one person on another track. Most people say they would pull the lever.
But in a twist on the scenario, you’re standing on a bridge next to a man whose body could stop the train if you push him. Even though the math is the same — one life for five — most people say they wouldn’t push him.
Why? Because pushing someone is direct and personal, while pulling a lever feels abstract and detached.
What Brain Science Tells Us
Neuroscience backs this up.
Lever scenario: Activates rational, problem-solving brain regions. It feels like an impersonal math problem.
Bridge scenario: Activates emotional and motor regions of the brain. Being close to someone makes the decision personal and emotionally charged.
This explains why we’re comfortable with the lever but bristle at the push.
The Internet = The Lever
Here’s where it gets interesting: online communication works just like the lever scenario.
Hitting “send” on a text or comment is quick, abstract, and feels impersonal.
We don’t see the person’s face, hear their voice, or notice their reaction.
Without emotional cues, our empathy doesn’t fully activate — and our “moral brakes” weaken.
This makes it easier for people to say unkind, blunt, or even cruel things they’d never say in person.
The Button Problem: Why Distance Changes Our Morality
This same principle is captured in a classic Twilight Zone story. A man is given a box with a button. If he presses it, he’ll receive money — but someone far away, someone he doesn’t know, will die.
The man agonizes but eventually presses it. Why? Because pressing a button feels abstract, detached, and safe. If he had been asked to physically harm someone with his own hands, he almost certainly would have refused.
This highlights a universal truth: distance dulls empathy. Online communication is today’s “button problem.” Clicking “send” on a cruel message is easy when you don’t see the person cry, flinch, or fall silent.
Face-to-Face = The Bridge
In contrast, real-life conversations are like the bridge scenario.
Eye contact, tone of voice, and body language all remind us that a real human is right in front of us.
That closeness triggers emotional networks in the brain, making it much harder to be harsh or cruel.
This is why the same person who seems sharp or unkind online might come across as much gentler in person.
What This Means for Us
Understanding the psychology behind online behavior helps us:
Pause before posting. Ask yourself: Would I say this if the person were right in front of me?
Build digital empathy. Remember there’s a real human being on the other side of the screen.
Create kinder communities. Whether in texts, emails, or social platforms, awareness can shift how we communicate.
From the trolley dilemma to the button problem, psychology shows us that distance changes morality. Just as pulling a lever or pressing a button feels easier than pushing someone with your own hands, saying something unkind online feels easier than saying it to someone’s face.
But remember: online, you may be at the lever or the button — yet the impact on the other person is just as real as if you were standing on that bridge.
If you’re looking for strategies to set healthier limits, check out ‘How to Set Social Media Boundaries for Mental Health’.
Legal Disclaimer
I am Tiffany Bays, MS, LPC, CMNCS, a Licensed Professional Counselor, trauma-trained, Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist, and holistic psychotherapist. I am not a medical doctor. The information provided here and in the accompanying document is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any medical condition. By choosing to use this information, you acknowledge and accept full responsibility for your own health decisions. Please consult a qualified medical professional before making any changes to your healthcare routine.
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