Why “Bite Back” Advice Fails—From Parenting to Politics

Bite Back Parenting Advice and Why It Fails

I recently overheard a pediatrician tell a mom to “bite back” her child to stop biting. This so-called bite back parenting advice struck me, because it’s not just about parenting—it’s a reflection of how our world handles conflict.

When we “hurt back” to prove a point, whether in a family or on a global stage, we’re assuming the other person will walk away with the intended lesson:

• “That hurts.”

• “This isn’t safe.”

• “I shouldn’t do this again.”

  
  

But in reality, what’s often learned is:

• “This person isn’t safe.”

• “I’m bad.”

• “Violence is how people communicate.”

The Charlie Kirk Assassination Connection

Look at the conversation happening right now around the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Some are framing it as “someone did this to show how it feels” because other races and groups have historically experienced violence, suppression, or loss.

But here’s the hard truth: “hurting back” doesn’t create empathy.

• It dysregulates nervous systems.

• It deepens fear and division.

• It fuels survival instincts rather than mutual understanding.

  
  

Just as a child doesn’t learn empathy from being bitten back, society doesn’t learn healing or justice from retaliation.

Dysregulation Shuts Down Learning

Neuroscience shows us that learning requires safety. When people feel attacked or threatened, the brain shifts into survival mode. The question becomes “How do I survive this?” instead of “What am I meant to learn here?”

This applies to children, parents, communities, and even nations. Retaliation may silence or shock people in the moment, but it rarely teaches, heals, or builds lasting empathy.

What Actually Creates Change

Whether we’re teaching children not to bite, or addressing injustice in society, the principles remain the same:

• Empathy requires safety. Without it, no one is listening.

• Words and modeling matter. Children, like adults, learn from what we do far more than what we punish.

• Connection changes behavior. Regulation, compassion, and clarity are what open the door to real learning and change.

Final Thought

From playgrounds to politics, the “bite back” mentality keeps humanity stuck in fear, anger, and division. If we truly want healing—whether in our homes or in our world—we must choose a better path: one grounded in empathy, safety, and connection.

If we can choose empathy in our homes and communities, we can also choose it online. Discover how setting healthy social media boundaries protects your peace. Read Next: Reclaiming Your Peace in a World That Won’t Stop Shouting: How to Set Social Media Boundaries for Mental Health

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Legal Disclaimer 

I am Tiffany Bays, MS, LPC, CMNCS, a Licensed Professional Counselor, trauma-trained, Certified Mental Health and Nutrition Clinical Specialist, and holistic psychotherapist. I am not a medical doctor. The information provided here and in the accompanying document is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any medical condition. By choosing to use this information, you acknowledge and accept full responsibility for your own health decisions. Please consult a qualified medical professional before making any changes to your healthcare routine.